The truth is that every relationship is very complicated. A successful relationship takes time, a lot of energy and is always a “work in progress”. Although every couple is unique, here are some steps that will help every couple reach their goals for happiness and fulfillment.
Feeling listened to sends an incredibly powerful message. When you feel listened to, you feel validated. When you are listening to what your partner has to say, you are not responding or reacting. Listening means just that. If you are listening, you are not speaking! Listening does not say you are agreeing or disagreeing. Listening says you are open to accepting your partner’s thoughts and feelings, without shooting him down or arguing. Couples who can accept each other’s feelings are happier and feel safer and more secure. Practice listening for the feelings behind the words, the true art of listening. As you become a more effective listener, your partner will be freer to be more open and honest.
Taking care of each other in special ways helps couples to experience a warm, loving, intimate bond. Ask your partner what he/she finds nurturing. Make a list of what you find nurturing. Exchange emails with your responses and build these behaviors into your daily lives. It is not necessary to do something big and extravagant to make your partner feel special and loved. One woman’s list included a quick phone call from her partner during the day which made her feel he was thinking about her. Her partner asked her to cuddle with him at the end of the day while watching the evening news. Nurturing each other goes a long way! Remember, love is a behavior, not just words.
As a couple, you have to focus on each other’s needs. It is no longer just about you! I often hear couples discussing situations and one of them says, “But that is not a problem for me.” For instance, you may tell your partner that you are bothered by his friends dropping by so often. If he looks at you bewildered and states that he is fine with the frequent visits, you will be furious with him for not considering your feelings. When you don’t consider your partner’s needs, youcan expect a reaction filled with anger and disappointment. Paying attention to your own needs, while still considering your partner’s needs is a constant balancing act that is part of any successful relationship.
Conflicts in a relationship are inevitable. It is important to understand that conflict serves many purposes. Conflict helps us to become aware of problems that need to be solved. Conflict helps to reduce the day-to-day annoyances of relating to someone else. If the message underlying each conflict is, “No matter what, I still love you,’ your emotional bonds will grow stronger. Avoid attempting to resolve a conflict over and over again with “more of the same wrong solution”. Examine your conflict management style and consider experimenting with other styles. In a successful relationship, there are many conflicts, but they are managed with respect. There is no right and wrong and couples must often agree to disagree!
Everyone gets angry. Anger is often a reaction to frustration, hurt or fear. If one of you is angry, there is a problem that needs to be resolved. It is how you express your anger that is important. You are each responsible for managing these feelings. If you are out of control, you can do permanent damage to the relationship. Make a commitment to a few rules for fair fighting. Focus on the situation at hand without bringing up a list of grievances from the past. Name-calling, sarcasm and putdowns are off limits. Communicate your anger directly by making “I” statements (I feel___, because____). “You” statements blame and accuse and may result in your partner shutting down. If you don’t express your anger, you may feel depressed since depression is anger turned inward. Holding your anger in can also cause headaches, stomachaches and other physical symptoms. You might want to work on your own self-esteem if you don’t feel entitled to your anger.
Your partner is not going to be able to make you happy all of the time. If you are stressed or feeling down, it is your responsibility to manage your own life. Your partner can support you, but there are limits. Personal issues and conflicts you brought into the marriage do not suddenly vanish. In fact, they may get worse. Relationships works best when two “whole” people join together to share and enhance each other’s live. If you are too needy, you will overload your partner with your needs and demands. Be realistic and accept that you need other relationships and interests in order to feel fulfilled and complete.
The transition from single to together is filled with so many changes. It often takes several years to move from life “my way” to life “our way”. As I mentioned earlier, every relationship is a work in progress. If you feel you are struggling, don’t struggle alone. Reach out to a professional before your problems become overwhelming. If your partner is not willing to participate (at first), go alone because any small change you make will ripple throughout your relationship. Reaching out for help is a great investment and speaks volumes for how much you value each other.
-- Dr. Ingrid Schweiger, Excerpted from Dr. Schweiger’s book MARRIAGE FOR A LIFETIME: HOW TO MAKE FOREVER A REALITY. You can read more information about Dr. Schweiger at www.dringrid.com.
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