Infertile? So now what?

By Becky Fawcett

Founder of Help Us Adopt

I’m infertile. I’m infertile. I’m infertile.

Crap, crap and double crap.

These were not words I never thought that I would have to say out loud, nor did I want to.

But in December 2002, my greatest fear was medically confirmed and I had to deal with it.

Well, I had to deal with it if I ever wanted to be a mother, which I did.

I was ashamed.

I was angry.

I was embarrassed.

And most of all I was scared.

Now what?

I’d always talked about adoption (in theory) as a lovely, kind and selfless act, but the thought of actually adopting my own children terrified me.

After five rounds of IVF, three pregnancies and three miscarriages, my husband and I arrived at the conclusion that adoption was indeed how we would build our family ---scared or not it was the best option for us. (You can read our step by step journey in the Founder’s Statement / Our Journey on www.helpusadopt.org)

Now, eight years later, I am the mother of two beautiful children, Jake (4) and Brooke (7 weeks).  I won’t lie to you it was hard.

But the things that terrified me the most about adoption, proved not to be a big deal and I truly believe with every bone in my body that I have the children I was supposed to have.

I am frequently asked the following question: “I/we’ve decided to adopt. We have no idea what to do---where do we start?”

Here are some suggestions on how to get started from An Infertile Blonde who’s been down the Adoption Road twice.

1. Tell as many people as you can about your plans.  First of all you’ll have more support than you ever dreamed of and second, you’ll be surprised who volunteers their connection to the adoption world.
2. Ask your friends who’ve adopted about their service providers (either agency or lawyer).  And if none of your friends have adopted then ask for friends of friends---trust me 1 in 8 American’s is connected to the adoption world.  Be sure to ask them what they liked and disliked about their experience. Keep in mind, the road to Adoption can be a bumpy one but some journeys are unnecessarily bumpier than others----know upfront what you are in for.
3. Join a support group if you want to hear how others (like me) survived this whole process.  I run one in NYC through Resolve.  We meet on the first Wednesday of the month and you can email me at becky@thefawcettgroup-pr.com for details.  Support groups are a great way to share information and to learn from others’ mistakes.  I didn’t join one during my first adoption and looking back, it was a mistake---to be honest, I let my ego get in the way of my sanity.
4. Take your list of referrals and make consultation appointments (with the lawyers) or attend the group information sessions that agencies have.  Have your questions ready.  Remember you’ve got to feel comfortable with your lawyer or agency---this is a very personal relationship. 
5. For those of you that like to read and research, there are two good magazines full of great information: Adoptive Families www.adoptivefamilies.com and Adoption Today www.adoptinfo.net

Infertility sucks.

I don’t think there’s a more succinct way to put it.

But you don’t have to live a childless life unless that’s what you chose.

There are options.

And for those of you who chose adoption, it’s an amazing journey.

These children are miracles.

Just remember, you don’t have to make this journey alone.

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Becky Fawcett is a luxury lifestyle publicist and co-founder and executive director of Helpusadopt.org a national financial grant program that helps couples/individuals with the costs of their adoptions (www.helpusadopt.org) .  She also writes An Infertile Blonde (www.aninfertileblonde).

Becky Lives in NYC with her husband, two miraculous children and two very spoiled dogs.