BCM - What has been the biggest challenge for you in motherhood?

Laurie - Finding calm. When we first had our son, everything seemed like an emergency.  Get the burp cloth!  Run to the store for diapers or baby food.  Call the doctor, now!  I was way too anxious and it wasn’t healthy for our son, me or my marriage.  As Blake got older things calmed down, a bit.  But it took a serious conscious effort for me to slow down.  This means that I leave more time to get myself and Blake ready for an outing.  I try to keep an inventory at home of essential items.   And, I’m a lot more patient with my husband.  I took my own advice as a couples mediator and learned to take those extra few seconds for politeness to say, “Honey, can you bring over a sippy cup of milk, please.”

BCM - If you could give another mom or expectant mom one piece of advice, what would it be?

Laurie - Research shows that the first year of a baby’s life is the hardest on a marriage.  Expect it to be challenging, but don’t let the frequent battles get you down.  It’s normal.  Even the healthiest of couples will fight more after having a baby.  If you are aware if this and work hard at reigning in the parenting criticism you’ll want to throw at your mate, it will help.  We all have to remember that parenting is a trial by error experience, so we learn as we go (and our mate’s do too).

  
BCM - Tell us about your new book - Fight Less, Love More?  What was the inspiration behind the book?

Laurie - I wrote this book because I see so many couples in my mediation practice who say things like, “I love my husband, but I don’t like him.”  What I discovered in time was that most couples wanted to stay together, but they lacked the communication skills to keep the mutual respect, appreciation, compassion and intimacy alive.  Not only did they take each other for granted, they also suffered from repetitive bad fights that left lingering resentment and anger.  My discovery about the cause of relationship dissatisfaction was exciting because it meant that if I helped empower people with better verbal skills, they could single-handedly improve their relationship in one day.   Based on what I teach people and what works in mediation, I wrote Fight Less, Love More to share simple 5-minute conversations and verbal strategies with a wider audience, some of whom are in good relationships and want to prevent a downhill slide, and others on the brink who are looking for answers.

BCM – Can you share a few tips from Fight Less, Love More?

Laurie -

1.     The first tip is to help people pick the right battles.  Before you start criticizing your mate for doing something like forgetting to take an umbrella to work when rain is predicted, ask yourself the wise question, “Does this affect me?”  In this case, it doesn’t.  He arrived home all wet, not you.  So don’t pick that battle.  Rather than using a “fight line” like, “I told you to bring an umbrella.  Why don’t you listen to me?” (which leads to a defensive response), use a compassionate love line like, “You’re all wet.  Let me get you a towel.”

2.     In researching my book we did an on-line survey and found some results that could help us all have better marriages.  Not only do people like being complimented once a day, they like receiving a special kind of compliment.  When we asked people “would you rather your mate compliment you for being kind or good-looking?” the result was that 84 percent of people said “kind.”  The lesson: find daily opportunities to compliment your mate’s character, rather than his tie.  And don’t be afraid to share this research study with your mate and ask him if he’ll join you in the daily compliment challenge.

3.      My clients are smart people, who often have dumb arguments.  One type of these unnecessary battles is so common that it threatens every relationship (including my own).  I call it the “premature argument.”  Look out for those times when you and your mate get in a brawl about a decision that doesn’t need to be made for weeks, months or years, such as which suburb to move to in 2013, where your two year old should go to elementary school, where to go for summer vacation, or even when to schedule a certain doctor appointment when you don’t have the facts yet on the doctor’s availability (my parents nearly had that premature argument yesterday!).  When you realize you’re arguing about something prematurely, stop yourself and say, “hey, we don’t need to have this argument yet.  Let’s hold off until time passes and we have more information.”

BCM - How do you manage your career while being a mother and a wife? Any advice for moms?  

Laurie - Delegate.  If you go to work, plan the times that you will call in to the nanny or daycare.  Don’t get involved in the very minor decisions.  You have to find childcare that you can trust enough to let them determine how much pressure to put on your kid to eat his lunch.   You can’t be in all places at once, so be present where you are.  When you return home, or check in with your kids or childcare for the day, that’s the time to give them your full attention. 

BCM - What types of activities do you like to do with your kids?

Laurie - I am definitely not a mom who takes my son everywhere.  You won’t see me at a Yo Gabba Gabba concert, yet.  Disney world?  We can go there when he is eight.  A nice restaurant?  Definitely not.  With our two year old, my husband and I stick to the basics – playgrounds, grandparents’ homes, friends’ houses, kid’s music classes, kid gyms, diners, etc.  It’s taken time, but now I am very realistic about what activities my son will enjoy and which ones will become a discipline nightmare.  Figuring this out also helped me with the larger goal of creating more calmness in my life.

BCM- What has been your favorite Big City Moms event to date?

Laurie - Attending one of your Mother’s Day events was wonderful because I was able to bring my own mom and have a photo shoot and enjoy music and games with other parents and kids.  It brought me such joy to watch my son and mom share in that experience together.

Meet Laurie, hear her speak on Fight Less, Love More, mingle, and receive a free copy of her book on October 19th.