10 New Year’s Resolutions I Have No Business Trying to Make

Like most people, I’m in shock that the end of 2017 is right around the corner. It seems like we just kicked the oft-abused 2016 to the curb, and here we are, prepping to do the same thing to its younger sister to make way for the new baby, 2018.

As is customary, I’ve got a pretty decent list of New Year’s resolutions I plan to attempt to implement in 2018. As much as I really do want to better myself, I’m also really aware of my limitations as a full-time work-from-home mom of small kids. I’m still in that stage of parenting where every day feels like I’m treading water while also trying to keep two small (and heavy) humans from also drowning. Some days I do fine, but other days, water floods my eyes, nostrils, and mouth, and it’s all I can do to just breathe.

With that reality in mind, here is a list of New Year’s resolutions that would be disastrous if I tried to make them for myself.

1. Join a gym. Wait a second – you’re telling me you want me to actually PAY MONEY to intentionally make myself even more tired than I already am? Who in the world has that kind of income and/or time? And are they hiring?

2. Finally lose the baby weight. Listen, I know my “baby” is two and a half but I’m really digging my persistent postpartum pooch, thank you very much. Also, see number 1.

3. Meal plan. Any mom of small kids who tells you her dinners are anything other than mac and cheese, frozen pizza, and spaghetti is a dirty liar (please don’t email me to tell me that you meal plan on the reg and also feed your two-year-olds vegetables for dinner every night, lest I cry myself to sleep every night until I die from some carb-related disease).

4. Find a hobby. Have you seen my spare time? I’ve been looking everywhere for it so I could sacrifice it to a hobby, but I just can’t remember what I did with it. If you find it, let me know, and I’ll resolve to find a hobby to gobble it right up.

5. Volunteer at my son’s school. I get emails about doing this almost weekly from either my son’s teacher or his Class Mom, (for whom I repress so many feelings and choice words) but unless my two-year-old is invited to crash the kindergarten party, and I can steal the school’s WiFi to answer emails and meet deadlines, the answer remains a hard no.

6. Stop yelling at my kids. Granted, this one is contingent on my kids resolving not to do things that warrant a raised voice, (looking at you, antagonizing firstborn) but still. This is just a big fat letdown waiting to happen.

7. Wear my hair any other way than a ponytail or topknot. Again, if I could just find that elusive Spare Time I used to have, I could maybe use a flat iron or a curling wand to style my hair. But good grief, I’d lose the head it’s growing out of if it wasn’t screwed to my neck!

8. Replace screen time with craft time. I see you, moms, with your Pinterest-worthy crafts and angelic children who have never watched a single episode of any television show in their perfect lifetimes. You’re amazing. Truly, I am in awe of you. I kind of want to be you, but not bad enough to pull the plug on Thomas.

9. Have at least one phone call with an adult each day. It’s not that I don’t love all of my friends enough to call them; on the contrary! It’s that I love them TOO MUCH to subject them to an hour-long auditory journey of me failing to listen to their stories while also breaking up fights between my boys, kissing booboos, and cursing the apparently very vengeful LEGO gods while pacing from one end of my house to the other.

10. Give up coffee and wine. LOL SERIOUSLY?

In 2018, I will definitely be a better mother than I was in 2017. Just not in these ways. If I make it to the next New Year’s Eve with my marriage intact and my kids alive, everything else is gravy, baby.