Well, everyone, if the Pumpkin Spice Lattes, Hocus Pocus marathons, and my unfathomably excitable children are any indication, Halloween is right around the corner.
Oh joy.
I’m 31 years old and I can honestly say that I can count on one hand the number of Halloweens I have celebrated and enjoyed in my lifetime. Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve hated scary things and being scared, so obviously I’m set up to fail right off the bat. On top of that, I don’t even care for sweets all that much, so it’s not like I get to enjoy the payoff of getting the junk scared out of me by obnoxious teenagers hiding in bushes.
Now that I’m a parent, though, I guess I’m obligated to participate in this stupid tradition, which makes me even madder. It’s not enough that I vehemently despise Halloween – now I HAVE to let my kids dress up and ask strangers for candy (seriously?) or else I’m a terrible mom. Through this process, I’m comforted only by the undeniably adorable image of my two boys dressed up in cute (not even a little bit scary) costumes – last year my oldest, Dax, was Super Mario, and my youngest, Case, went as the If You Give a Mouse a Cookie mouse (overalls and everything).
In every other corner of the Internet this season, you’re going to find articles celebrating Halloween. But not here. Here, just this once, I’m airing my grievances about why Halloween sucks so much:
It’s freaking expensive. Do you know how quickly children grow? You’re telling me I have to spend upwards of $50 on a costume that my kid will wear ONE time? AND I have to buy eighty bajillion bags of candy for trick-or-treaters PLUS school parties? According to this helpful video, Americans spend an average of $6 billion (YES, WITH A B) on Halloween each year, making it one of the most expensive commercial holidays— second only to Christmas.
It’s time consuming. So, if I don’t want to spend gobs of money on a costume at the store, I have to spend countless hours DIYing something subpar that my kids will likely be completely mortified by. Those are hours I’ll never get back. For what? And if you live in a neighborhood that insists you decorate for each holiday? Forget it.
Jerks ruined it for everyone. It’s not enough that I have to tell my kids that, for one night only, they are to forget every safety measure I have ever instilled in them and actually ASK strangers to give them candy. But then I also have to go home and check all the candy to make sure there aren’t any razor blades or poison. THANKS A LOT, JERKBAGS.
My house is a target. My husband teaches middle school, and our house happens to be zoned for his school. That means that many of his students live in our neighborhood. You don’t have to be a calculus major to do THAT math.
Halloween’s origin is creepy as heck and I can’t deal with it. As you saw in the video above, Halloween’s origins are pretty dark. Sorry, but, as cute as my kids are when they’re in costumes, I hate that they’re dressed up like that so that ghosts won’t know the difference and will leave them alone. Girl, bye.
So while the rest of you great moms are happily bounding down your street in your neighborhood with your adorable little ghouls and goblins, I’ll be reluctantly huffing it behind my brood and resenting everyone and everything.
Can’t we just fast-forward to Christmas? I promise to get all my shopping done before Christmas Eve this year! (LOL. No. No, I don’t.)