For so long, I’ve wanted to change the type of mother that I am. I’m almost 10 years into this parenting gig, but still, in the back of my mind, I am waiting to “really” become a mom. You know, when I finally learn to get dressed in the morning and be the kind of mom to do my hair and nails and be ever patient and embark on fun adventures with my kids — that’s the type of mom I’m meant to be, obviously.
On the flip side, the mom I am in real life is pretty much always dressed in workout clothes or pajamas, she always, always wears her hair in bun, and the last manicure I got was from my two-year-old (“I do your nails, Mom?”). And as a gift to myself this past Mother’s Day, I declared that you know what?
I am fine just the way I am.
Maybe it has something to do with passing firmly into my 30’s or maybe it’s I’m just too tired to care anymore, but I’m calling my own bluff. I am no longer capable of pretending that I am ever going to change who I am as a mother.
I am a mother who bakes.
I am not a mother who cooks.
I am a mother who loves the gym.
I am a not a mother who gets manicures.
I am a mother who works.
I am not a mother who dresses up.
I am a mother who is horrible on little sleep.
I am a mother who needs time alone.
I am a mother who puts her children first most of the time.
I am not any other type of mother than the mother I am. In trying to change myself, I have been poisoning my mind all of these years with the lie that I am not good enough, that only “bad” mothers skip manicures and cooking elaborate meals and curling their hair. I have been feeding my own insecurities all these years by chiding myself for really simple things. Who cares how I dress or how I look? My kids certainly think I’m all right and my husband must be OK with me if he married me, right? Why do I keep insisting that my natural talents and looks and way of life isn’t good enough?
And it’s high time I not only accept the kind of mother I am, but embrace her. Because she’s pretty darn cool, after all.
Now, if you excuse me, I have some workout clothes to don and a bun to fix on top of my head and yes, I will be rocking both of them, thank you very much.